It’s been a while since we’ve blogged. Not because nothings been going on…but because much has been going on.
I’m sure by now you know that we’ve made it to Nasir! God was so good in providing everything that we needed. It’s been an interesting six weeks here. Despite the differences, hardships and challenges, it’s a wonderful gift to know you are exactly where God wants you to be.
The last six weeks has been filled with killing mice, scorpions and most recently chickens, as I was desperate for meat. And then there is another dying. A dying of oneself. It hasn’t been a very gracious battle.
As I arrived in Nasir, I quickly realized that my biggest fears in coming here were coming true. My #1 job here is to be a mother to my children. “But God," I would cry out, “why couldn’t you just let me be a mom in Houston! Why would you drag me here, to these difficult conditions, just to be a mom!” Of course the enemy creeps in with his lies and his schemes of making one feel isolated as they are engulfed in the sin of being so focused on themselves that they can’t remember the truth of who God is!
But once I crawled out of the pit of self pity and back onto the alter as a living sacrifice, God reminded me of these things. God is good, all the time He is good. God loves us more than we love ourselves. God has a heart for the lost. God always keeps His promises.
My struggle just might be the same as some moms back home. Feeling small. Feeling like others are doing more “productive” things. Others have more important ministries. These are more of the enemy’s lies to keep our eyes off of Jesus.
A pestering idol in my heart has been an idol of productivity. Having to do something so that I can prove myself. Prove myself to others…to God. But I know the truth; any fruit that comes is not of myself but Him. My job is not productivity but faithfulness.
As he strips away the idols in my heart, I recognize my foolishness. His love for me is greater than my love for myself. And so, the idols, they destroy me. But He builds me up. He gives life and gives it
abundantly. So I said, "Okay God, I’m all in. If my job here is to 'Just be a mom', I’m all in. But change my heart God. Give me joy God." And guess what? He is. And as I lay myself down, and my eyes are turned on Him, my heavenly father lavishes me with gifts. Gifts like seeing His heart for my children. Gifts like grasping the weight of discipling my children. And then He gives me two gifts named NyaRet and NyaBul.
NyaRet and Nyabul are two beautiful women that work on our compound. With homeschooling and being a mom, I may only get 30 minutes a day with them. But this time is cherished time. It’s intentional. It’s prayed over. It doesn’t look like everybody else’s time but...Oh man. Did you catch that? I was about to compare myself to others.
I’m a work in progress. A mess actually. But, I love Jesus. And this messy life of mine is all His. I’m all in. And I think that’s all He asks us for.